It’s coming back

May 17, 2007 at 8:38 pm (conversion, future, personal)

As I said in my previous entry I lost my light after I lost the man I loved…

Fast forward about 11 months…

Some days ago I bought this. I have spent last nights by fighting with vampires who are not afraid of cross, but Sh’ma.

I have made a decision: I keep this summer as free of commitments as possible and concentrate on my own spiritual growth.
I can say I am sure what the outcome will be, but being analytical and having the need to reason everything I want to be sure that this is what I want, not what someone in my past asked me to be. So, this blog will probably have occasional entry about analysing my religious views and the religion which feels like home. Or rather, following rabbi Adin Steinsaltz’s views, to find a family which I belong to, to extend my own family – and possibly return to my roots (being a person with a surname which also used among Jews (and is Hebrew – also)).

If I decide to continue on this path I will go back to Hebrew lessons in autumn and contact the rabbi – either local, if local congregation has one, or find a rabbi who is willing to guide my conversion even we may not ever meet.

Rabbis are supposed to dissuade person seeking conversion thrice, so that will also be learning experience for me: I am not very good with disappointments, even I know they are part of the path.
And when rabbi accepts my request to be guided through conversion process I’ll begun to seek for a Jewish partner, as, if you can’t share your values with one you love can you be really loved?

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What I really want from my life?

December 13, 2005 at 9:12 pm (acceptance, conversion, family, future, love & religion, ponderings)

It’s an interesting question as I’m not sure.

Ok, in fact I do know what I want, but problem is that I have to choose – though at this phase of my life I have to figure out what is what I want. What I really want. Just not to hurt myself, or anyone else in the future.

I know what I want. I know what I can take and what I can do. But I don’t know am I ready to pay price it may take.
Even I know I have to. Being happy with your life, being contented takes it’s toll, no matter how much I dislike it.

And I know that in the end I want following things:

  • become what I really am
  • convert to religion which has felt good (which has felt right) many years
  • to learn
  • to have a Jewish family, and Jewish children, and teach them beauty of it all
  • to be contented
  • to be loved as myself
  • have a partner who accepts my religion… no, to have a partner who shares my religion

…and never regret.

This may mean (I don’t want to say “It’ll mean.” even I know it might be so, and it’s not that improbable in the end…) that I have to forget my stupid images of love which conquers all and accept that in the end I just can’t be completely happy with a goy.

Sounds harsh, I know, but fact is this:

  • I don’t want to force anyone to live against their religious views (or lack of them) because it’d be strictly against my morals.
  • I don’t want to live life without my G-d, without my religion.
  • I don’t want to wonder am I religiously intolerant if I want to celebrate Shabbat and other holy days – because as I see it: in family everyone celebrates and rejoices at the same time. Family shares.

Is it a family if we don’t share our love? Is it a family if I can’t be me? Is it a family if my partner can’t be him?

No, it’s not.

There’s also one thing I know: I want to be buried in a Jewish cematary when I die. I’m still young, but that’s important to me. And I want to be buried like a Jew, because I’ve never confronted as much respect towards dead as Judaism has.

I want to have that beauty in my life. It just hurts me so much to know that I have to make really big decisions because of it.

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