Whys and why-nots

May 31, 2007 at 10:16 pm (acceptance, family, ponderings)

Admittedly one of the reasons why I have been standing in this cross road so long is my family: when I take the first step on that path there is no return and nothing will be the same.

That first step is the first step on my way to “born again” (that is how Judaism sees conversion) and it’s the last step in the path formerly known as my non-religious life.
And, no matter how cruel it may to sound to most, in certain ways my parents cease to be my parents.

When I convert and choose my Hebrew name I won’t be daughter of  $MYMOTHER, but bat Sarah (some sources claim bat Avraham, some bat Avraham v’Sarah and some bat Sarah) (who, by the way, was also a convert).
When they die I am not allowed to observe the laws of mourning even if I wish to do so.
But, to be completely honest, as I see it it is not cruel, it’s also a form of religious tolerance. As no matter how soothing it would be for me it would be wrong-doing for them – I acknowledge that things which are important to me may not be that to them.
As they will still be my parents I am to committed to respect them no matter how much I may disagree with them.

I am afraid of the anti-semitic tendencies my parents seem to have, and if I hadn’t already parted ways with my brother I would be afraid of his views too. Only person who I trust not having issues with the conversion is my sister, but she has been through conversion-of-a-kind herself, so I think she understands that some things need to be done even you don’t know what they will cause.

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Family issues

March 18, 2006 at 7:42 pm (acceptance, conversion, family)

I’ll write an open letter to my family. I’ve to. I want to make them understand what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

At this moment I don’t get any support from them, or that’s how it feels like. And what makes it worse: it seems to me that my parents have some antisemitic tendencies…

I’m just so tired of their ignorance and unwillingness to ask or look for information.

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What I really want from my life?

December 13, 2005 at 9:12 pm (acceptance, conversion, family, future, love & religion, ponderings)

It’s an interesting question as I’m not sure.

Ok, in fact I do know what I want, but problem is that I have to choose – though at this phase of my life I have to figure out what is what I want. What I really want. Just not to hurt myself, or anyone else in the future.

I know what I want. I know what I can take and what I can do. But I don’t know am I ready to pay price it may take.
Even I know I have to. Being happy with your life, being contented takes it’s toll, no matter how much I dislike it.

And I know that in the end I want following things:

  • become what I really am
  • convert to religion which has felt good (which has felt right) many years
  • to learn
  • to have a Jewish family, and Jewish children, and teach them beauty of it all
  • to be contented
  • to be loved as myself
  • have a partner who accepts my religion… no, to have a partner who shares my religion

…and never regret.

This may mean (I don’t want to say “It’ll mean.” even I know it might be so, and it’s not that improbable in the end…) that I have to forget my stupid images of love which conquers all and accept that in the end I just can’t be completely happy with a goy.

Sounds harsh, I know, but fact is this:

  • I don’t want to force anyone to live against their religious views (or lack of them) because it’d be strictly against my morals.
  • I don’t want to live life without my G-d, without my religion.
  • I don’t want to wonder am I religiously intolerant if I want to celebrate Shabbat and other holy days – because as I see it: in family everyone celebrates and rejoices at the same time. Family shares.

Is it a family if we don’t share our love? Is it a family if I can’t be me? Is it a family if my partner can’t be him?

No, it’s not.

There’s also one thing I know: I want to be buried in a Jewish cematary when I die. I’m still young, but that’s important to me. And I want to be buried like a Jew, because I’ve never confronted as much respect towards dead as Judaism has.

I want to have that beauty in my life. It just hurts me so much to know that I have to make really big decisions because of it.

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Religion or love? Religion and love?

November 27, 2005 at 10:45 am (conversion, family, interreligion issues, love & religion)

I’ve been thinking about this about 1½ years. In my past it was not an issue as I was married with a man who shared my religious views. (In fact he’s the one to thank when it comes finding religion which suits for me.) It became an issue after we broke up with him.

And now I’m stading in crossing of my life caused by the love of my life and his guest to find himself (before doing anything stupid). He wanted time and space, I got it also and I begun to really think about things….
I lived in image that I can live happily with someone who doesn’t share my religious views, but deep inside of me I was deeply worried. And now I have admitted to it myself.

I don’t know how much I can yield as if I live according to my religious views it’ll show in my daily life and it raises few questions:

  • Could he respect my way of life in the end?
  • Were there someone who’d think that my need to live according to my religion is forcing him to do something, as I’d like my partner respect my religion so much that he could for example celebrate shabbath with me – but I also know him and I’m not sure how he’d feel about it as he has his opinions.
  • And what about rest of the religious holidays?
  • Cimrcumsision? As my kids will be Jewish when they born from a Jewish mother.
  • Jewish school?
  • Etc.

I know I can’t force my kids to be something I am or believe in same things I believe in, but I also know that if I live according to my beliefs and according what I feel is right it’ll show and that’ll affect to my kids no matter does he like it or not.

And then… I don’t want to force him live life which gives pressure for him. In the end I love him too much to cause pain to him.

…Now I understand why most religions do not support interfaith marriages. It gets difficult to say it nicely.

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The saga begins, part I; early childhood.

September 22, 2005 at 6:10 am (family, history)

I think that I have to tell about my childhood family and my upbringing, and my family’s history etc. to give some base to understand my views.
I happen to believe that our upbringing affects in a way or another to us, no matter how much we want to deny it.

I’ve born into a non-religious family. Both of my parents had been members of evanchelic lutheran church in their childhood.
In my mom’s case her father separated from it because of few personal disagreements between him and their local pastor. And as far as I know, my father left church because of my mom. I’m not sure though, as I can’t remember. And I don’t think that it is significant anyway.

We celebrated Easter, and Yule (Not “Christmas”, as it’s Christian holiday) as others did, our reasons just were secular.
For me Easter was always celebration of spring, and Yule was celebration of coming light, as it’s timing is what it is. (I have to admit that I was in school when I realized that for example Yule really is religious holiday to some – and in this case, to majority in this country.)

Religion never played any part in our lives. And I have to say, that it was a happy childhood in that way compared to those experiences of Christian people I’ve heard of…

In fact I’ve prayed (more like talked with God, that is same thing I do nowadays) when I was a kid. My problem just was, not my non-religious family, but that image of God I had got from surrounding world. World of evanchelic lutherans. (I’ll tell more about how Christianity clashes with my beliefs, and why it was never an option, but back to business…) My God was wrong to them as I saw it. My views of God were so different from the beginning that I just kep on wondering, and denied God’s existence.

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